I’m pretty vocal about my issues and I’ve probably been called many many things when I’ve talked about my depression and anxiety but mainly liar and attention seeker. It really REALLY annoys me that, because I refuse to pretend that I’m fine all the time and I will share my experience with others that aren’t so comfortable with it, I’m abused about it and made out to be doing it all for attention.
I can whole heartedly guarantee that I would never want to pretend to be depressed or to have anxiety. It is an exhausting, numbing weight to endure.
Having depression is constantly fighting with yourself; nothing in your head sees the positives or quashes it as luck but every bad is turned into something monumental. You’ll never be good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. No one really wants you around, they’re just putting up with you but really you’re a burden and everyone will be happy if you just disappeared. You’re numb, you’re exhausted but sleep is a luxury. Getting out of bed is a mountain climb. You’re a stranger to your friends and family and the thought of social events is crippling. The numbness to the world leads to self harm.
Anxiety is blowing everything out of proportion. That tiny little thing you did wrong haunts you for days, weeks, months. You care about everyone’s opinion and want to keep them happy because they’re just putting up with you. Struggling to breath, shaking, all eyes on you. You can’t function at all. The claustrophobia is crushing.
That. That is what it’s like to live with both. Those are day to day thoughts.
I have always been self conscious about my weight and appearance so it was a sore stop for me. I spent 8 years being bullied about it. Fatty, whale, ugly, gross. I had my stuff vandalised. I was mocked constantly from the age of 7…. 7. Years. Old. No one should have to deal with self esteem issues at such a young age. At 15, I started to self harm. Hips were easy to hide but wrists weren’t. It made me feel something beside the numbness of everyday life.
‘You don’t look depressed’ – A fake smile hides a lot.
‘You don’t have anything to be depressed about’ – It’s an imbalance of chemicals in my brain, bullying and general very low self worth.
You will be surprised how often I have had to justify why I’ve self harmed, why I take antidepressants, why I tried to commit suicide. Some people would rather big themselves up by feeding off your negative experiences so they can say they handled it better. Everyone’s different. A small comment about a slightly rounded looking face could roll off one person’s back but would have me standing in front of the mirror, saying how noone could love a fat girl for hours on end.
I’m not going to dwell on the past. I’m not going to take you step by step through the slurry of negativity in my life that pushed me to suicide so I’ll leave it at that.
Talking helps. Friends, family, doctors. It just helps to talk but not everyone understands. It’s scary to people who don’t understand, believe me. The first step to getting better is to realise that it’s natural to feel down sometimes. It’s natural to need help. I’ve had counselling, I take medication. It’s not the end of the world. We all handle things differently. We bend, sometimes to what feels like breaking point but we don’t. It’s not weakness to ask for help, it’s not weakness to have problems. It’s natural. 100%. No added preservatives.
If it’s scary to talk in person or to talk to someone you know then, by all means, DROP ME A MESSAGE! I’m here!
Take a breathe. Watch a puppy video. Go for a walk. Take a bath. Do something that makes you happy. I instagram stalk my favourite F1 drivers and occassionally slide into DMs so believe me, your fun activity will not be anywhere near as weird as mine ;p
Enjoy your life. It gets better. I promise. Remember that someone loves you no matter what. Smile everyday.