Disclaimer: I’m quite an open person these days but this is a subject I have only spoken about with my closest friends. It is something that has ruined my outlook on relationships and caused me to sabotage the majority of recent ones.
Many people, if not all, look back on their younger selves with a sense of nostalgia and cringe. From hairstyles to partners to the Facebook statuses that Time Hop insists you look at, we all look back on these things and wonder how we actually had friends.
I look back on my younger self with regret. I don’t understand how I could be so naive, so trusting and so dense in one go.
I trusted too freely and I loved too hard.
When I was younger, I classed rape as something that happened to people walking alone in dark allies by strangers.
I saw it as something that was violent and dangerous. It was something that would never happen to me because I was smarter than to go off alone and walk in the dark,
I was wrong.
90% of people know their rapist.
45% are committed by a partner.
And that is a statistic that I wish I didn’t fall into.
It took me years, literally, to understand it. I didn’t believe that someone I was dating could rape me. It didn’t make sense.
But unwanted, non-consensual sex is still rape.
Call me what you want. A liar, a drama queen. Say that I’m over reacting but I know what it was.
I didn’t want it.
‘If you loved me you would.’ A phrase that was often used when I said no. We’re together and it’s what he wants so I should do as I’m told. Shouldn’t I? How else am I going to keep him happy?
I would feel guilty and I would give in because I loved him. It wasn’t what I wanted and I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’d lie there, wishing it was over, wanting to be anywhere but where I was which just made the guilt even worse.
Nights out were the worst. Predrinking and then going out. I would always end up too drunk. Vulnerable. I would say no but that wouldn’t matter because you don’t know what you’re talking about when you’re drunk, right?
I don’t like to go into details, I just don’t want to really.
Our relationship was volatile but it wasn’t violent. My emotional and psychological state was shattered, beaten down into submission and I was so very unhappy but I didn’t understand why.
I look back now I’m older and I’m quite frankly disgusted in my naivety.
I can’t say I’m stronger for it. Hell, it has ruined my outlook on relationships. I’ve had nightmares about it but it’s over and I’m still rebuilding myself from it years later.
If you take anything from this post, take this. Rape in relationships is a thing. It is not acceptable and it is still rape even if they are your partner.
It’s not just women who are raped, men are also effected.
5% of reported rapes have male victims but this statistic doesn’t represent the real number as, commonly, men are less inclined to report their attacks.
I wish I had spoken to someone. God’s honest truth. It’s something that I wish I had addressed and understood at a younger age.
Sorry if this has caused anyone any upset. That was not my intention.
If you have been affected by it and need some help. Organisations such as Rape Crisis offer a lot of advice for both male and female victims.
Hopefully, I will be back with something more positive in the near futures.
For now, take these word from me.
One day, you will find someone that pushes the bad memories to the back and fills your life with joy. It may be a lover, it may be a friend. One day though, you will love and be loved so fiercely and your past will seem like a bad dream!